Shouldn't I know things like this?

I remember a couple of years ago at Christmas grandma was taking all of her grandchildren to build-a-bear workshop to make a bear, Charity couldn't come. Before we went in the store Lashelle and I talked she told me about problems she was having and I listened. Now I don't have any idea what is going on with her she was anorexic and nobody ever told me, I suspected just because she is tiny and wasn't eating. Shouldn't a friend know these things? Shouldn't a cousin know these things? I love her so much and I have no idea what is going on in her life, same goes for Dezey she moved out of Jessica's and I have no idea why, I can't mention it because if I say the wrong thing then everybody will get mad. For a while I really thought that Deezey and I were going to be close and now I haven't talked to or heard from her in weeks. I haven't talked to Mourn in forever either. Everytime I think I've found a good friend in my family something happens and it's like nope Erica just kidding. It wouldn't bug me so much if it weren't for the fact that for the most part my family is my friends, I don't have many other ones. I know that I get on people's nerves so I try not to I tried giving Amanda space and where that left me was needing a friend and my mom giving me the third degree. Amanda Dezey and Lashelle are all so important to me and I think they are so amazing I feel like it's my fault that I've lost them like if I were better they would still be here. That's always how I feel in everything, if I was: smarter, faster, funnier, thinner, cuter, nicer, worldlyer, just better then things would be different and maybe I would be happy. If I was a better friend than maybe Amanda, Dezey and Lashelle would actually tell me things and I would actually know them. Shouldn't I know these people if for no other reason than jsut because they are my family? How can a person with such a huge family be so alone?

AAAH

So I realized that I haven't posted anything that matters in a while so here goes.
You remember my post about camping and the go cart starting on fire and me crying well a couple of weeks ago I was at my grandma's and my little brother "D-rock" was riding my grandma's mower (obviously it was a riding mower) and then it ran out of gas and so we went into my mom and she told me to go fill it up with gas and I told her I wasn't going anywhere near that thing with gas and so she went and filled it up and came and told me to mow the front lawn so I slowly walked outside and to the mower I started it and rode it to the side of my grandma's house, then I went in teh house handed D-rock the keys and said you can do it then my mom said that he didn't have enough experience to do the front yard (he has mowed that back lawn twice while as I have done it once and that once I ran over a hose) so I take the keys and walk outside I sat on the lawnmower and started crying I was so scared then apparently my mom noticed that there wasn't sound coming from out front cause she comes and finds me tells me to get off and then she starts mowing the lawn later my brother calls and asks her what she's doing she says she's mowing the lawn cause Erica is to lazy to do it. I was crying because I was so scared and she thinks that I'm just being lazy. nobody actually realizes how terrified I was when that go cart started on fire. Then the other day I was at my house cleaning the back yard when the subject turned to bikinis now I am against bikinis in general but they were talking about my mom getting one which is disturbing on many levels a few of which I will tell you now besides the fact that I don't like bikinis in general thinking about my mother getting one is upsetting for no other reason than the fact that she's my mom! I think the thing that really made me mad that day though is this: my mom can wear a bikini and I can't she's had seven kids and yet me, who has been excersicing like crazy and not eating much (not that I'm trying to become anorexic or anything I just don't have any appetite lately) I have gained weight. I can't even be happy lately the only things that make me happy are reading and playing with/holding my neice (who I don't see very often) I haven't even written anything recently. The person that I text the most is my mom and that is because she tells me to clean stuff I haven't really texted anybody other than my mom for more than a week. I haven't seen or talked to my dad in months and missed my family reunion. I miss my step mom but can't go see her because I get fed up of everybody who is with her, I added one of my poems to a discussion and everybody in the discussion told me it was horrible. I just want to escape, get away from all this stupud crap (which also annoys me because Charity who dropped out gets to move to Texas) On top of all that I keep daydreaming about HSM4 and them having a contest, because they want to give young writers a chance, to write HSM4 (of course in my dream I win and honestly I don't think my idea is that bad but who knows I've been wrong about everything else I think) the weird thing is my ideas for HSM have been pretty close to what they end up doing (minus the me having something to do with it.) I want to end all of this junk and I don't know how to.

Only The Good Spy Young

So I read only the good spy young and it was amazing and I can't wait till somebody finishes it so that I can discuss it so.....DON'T READ THIS PART UNLESS YOU HAVE READ ONLY THE GOOD SPY YOUNG! Just exit this page, Now! Though feel free to somehow ask me to borrow GG4.

AAAAAAAHHHHHH Zach's mom is in the circle ohmygosh ohmygosh ohmygosh!!!! and Cammie runs away without Zach (from what I gathered). Mr. Solomon was also in the circle and now he's dead and Mr. S is in a coma. Zach is going to the Gallagher Academy because He is now an enemy of the circle and his mom and can't go back to blackthorne cause It's a school for assassins! Zach's mom told Cammie that they didn't want to kill her (which I think is true) and that they were going to make her remember some things and take her to her dad (which I think is partly false) oooh idea maybe they don't want to take her to her dad they want to use her to lure her dad out of hiding so that they can kill him. Townsend uses Cammie to try and lure out Mr. Solomon so it isn't any surprise that the circle would use Cammie to get her dad. Oh and the Loch ness monster is real. Mr. Solomon is so awsome in this book, in this one more than the others you can tell that he loves her. He was willing to get caught to tell her to follow the pigeons, and he was willing to tell the circle stuff to save her and (to what I think is a lesser extent) Zach. In a way I am glad that the traitor turned out to be Mr. Solomon (who happened to not actually be a traitor) I was to worried that it would be Liz or Macey and in the beginning of the book I was worried about it being Bex and her family (which is weird, subconsciously I would rather have it be them then Solomon) I can't think of anything else at the moment when I do I'll either edit this or post them as a comment. Oh by the way apparently not only the good spy young