Are things looking up?

So I've finally started on the infamous college search. I'm looking for a college in Colorado or Wyoming primarily but I'm not ruling out Nevada, Texas, and Washington (though my mom thinks I should)it is nerve wracking and I am really nervous. Also I am trying for a Provo FFA officer spot in the 2011-2012 year. I am so nervous about it that sometimes I can't breathe. I'm a YCL for girls camp and my mom has a boyfriend. He is a great guy and he really cares about my mom. I also would like to compete in the CDEs (Career Development Events) this year (for FFA) in Ag communications but I need a team of five people and so far I have.........me, so I need four people to commit to doing this with me. We tried having a birthday party for Mr. Day today and he took so long getting back from lunch that his class was banging on the door (we were told not to let anybody in and the door was locked.) and one girl just walked in (while we were letting a member in) and then got into a pissing contest with some of our girls. I emailed LaShelle today after not talking for weeks and I asked if she wanted to do a photoshoot with me for my senior pics. Obviously she hasn't replied. I went shooting for my dad's birthday this weekend and got to shoot a 22 with a lock open mechanism. Then I asked my brothers for a gun for my birthday (they told me no) I know that I could have a very long and hard road ahead of me but I am so willing to try. I just want to be happy and if it means working my but off then I will.

Who I am?

So my imaginary blog readers do you remember the movie Clueless, with Alicia Silverstone and how she has this big inner monologue moment where she finally realizes what she actually wants and stuff. I want one of those. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy and that I need to stop worrying so much and all that but it doesn't work that way. I feel like I'm always changing who I am to fit who I'm with that's why I like the name Chameleon: it fits. If I'm with people who swear then I don't tell them how much it bugs me, if I'm with people telling disgusting jokes I laugh even when I don't want to, if I'm with people who are, well more innocent then me, then I censor myself. When in reality: if you swear then all I want to do is slap you, if you tell gross jokes I want to ask what is wrong with you, while I'm pretending to be innocent I just want to be me. I think the real problem is I'm not sure who me is so I try to be like everybody else; Here is what I do know: I love my family, I feel left out all the time, I'm jealous of my sisters, I miss my dad, I miss LaShelle Dezey and Amanda, I want to show my writing, I might want to be a teacher, most of my stories start with me daydreaming about my life being different but I can't use my name so I make one up, how I feel is revealed a lot less in what I say then in what I don't say or what I write, I think I look ugly and stupid, my biggest worry about LaShelle doing my hair wasn't that she wouldn't do a good job it wasn't even my words that I kept remembering it was from a book but it summed up my fears pretty good "if you put a peacocks tale on a sparrow it's still a drab ugly nobody little sparrow", I'm jealous of the relationships that other people seem to have so effortlessly, I want to be liked, I don't think I am, and I'm scared. That is me and I want to just scream and tell people that I am who I am and to deal with it but I can't even deal so how can I ask others to?

childrens story 1 draft1

hatching eggs
Justin is just a normal boy until friday nights when his babysitter comes over and introduces him to a new world. Elllie is just a normal teenage girl unless she's babysitting then she gets to be a kid again. Two ordinary kids teach us all that anybody can take an ordinary night and make it magical
Justin Scott sat on the couch pouting, he didn't want his parents to leave. He had to stay home and have a babysitter his parents just laughed when they looked over at him./ A knock sounded on the door and Ellie was let in she was the new neighbor and when Mr and Mrs Scott had learned that she was a babysitter they decided to go out. Justin blamed her for his parents leaving. Justin didn't move once while Ellie talked to his parents./ After they left Ellie smiled at Justin but when he just sank deeper into the couch she knew that she would have to try something else./ walking over to the sliding door Ellie gasped, "Why didn't you tell me Justin?" Justin couldn't help himself he answered her "didn't tell you what?" "You have dragon eggs in the backyard!" Justin ran to the back door but didn't see anything/ Ellie opened the door and went outside, Justin followed her, she stopped at a collection of big rocks "These are huge. They're gonna hatch any day" /Justin frowned "what are you talking about, these are rocks" Ellie looked down at him "you don't see it? the smootheness of it the way that the you can almost feel it breathing." as Ellie kept describing what a dragon egg was like Justin started to see it too he could even feel it breathing then all of a sudden the egg started shaking/ "Whats happening Ellie." "I think the eggs are starting to hatch" Justin looked around "But where are their parents? What if they forgot them? Ellie whats gonna happen to them if their parents don't come home?" /Ellie got down in front of him "Don't worry Justin Dragons leave to go and get their babies food and things like that but they always come back, they love their babies and would never leave them forever. If the eggs hatch before the parents get back we could watch them." "Do you know how to watch baby dragons?" Ellie laughed "its a lot like babysitting. We can do it" /The eggs started shaking even more "Ellie I think they're hatching!" after he said it one of the eggs made a big cracking sound a little flat head popped out followed by a tall neck the other eggs hatched too but while the first had been blue one of these was green and one was red/ they all climbed out of the eggs showing round little tummys and extra long tales. Justin laughed at them, the dragons got up and started playing./ "look at them, they know that their parents will be back." justin did see/ he got up dragged Ellie with him and started playing with the dragons- they played dragon hide and seek,- dragon go fish---- in the middle of a game of dragon tag the three dragons cried out they had gotten their tales tangled up/ Ellie and Justin helped to untangle them and when they started to play again Ellie stopped Justin ran up and tagged her "your it Ellie. Whats wrong?" "what? Oh nothings wrong but look Justin" she pointed to the sky "I don't see anything"/ "you don't? You don't see anything flying towards the house." then Justin saw it two big things flying towards the house as they got closer he could see that they were two huge dragons. "their parents! they came back!"/ as the dragons landed and reunited with their children Ellie and Justin watched after they left Justin looked at his house and saw lights coming into the driveway. "Mom. Dad"/ Justin ran in the house and hugged his parents when they walked in./ Ellie got ready to leave and before she went she smiled at the big rocks in the backyard. /After she was gone Justin asked his parents "is she coming over again next week?" His mom laughed "we'll ask" Justin couldn't wait for their next adventure. It would be as fun as this one.

post

Hey I haven't posted in a while (I couldn't think of anything) so I found something first Anna had a baby second Abby is in town again this is the second time this year. She is taking Cinderella back with her cause Cinderella dropped out of school, I always feel like an outsider, like I just don't quite belong with this close fun happy loving family. I'll post more later, see ya

FFA

Hey everybody,
I am a member of the FFA which is the Future Farmers of America. Our chapter isn't very big but we are going to try and change that, I'm basically using this blog post as an idea board that I can bounce off of. I am trying to think of ways that I can improve the chapter and ways that the chapter can improve in general. although my ideas will be random anybody else who has an idea can post as a comment. Here is a quesion to get your thought process started: What is stopping you from joining? Some of my ideas are a website for our chapter and a scevenger hunt for National FFA week in February a big long one with new things everyday. I can't think of anything else right now and my sub is giving me the evil eye so bye.

Shouldn't I know things like this?

I remember a couple of years ago at Christmas grandma was taking all of her grandchildren to build-a-bear workshop to make a bear, Charity couldn't come. Before we went in the store Lashelle and I talked she told me about problems she was having and I listened. Now I don't have any idea what is going on with her she was anorexic and nobody ever told me, I suspected just because she is tiny and wasn't eating. Shouldn't a friend know these things? Shouldn't a cousin know these things? I love her so much and I have no idea what is going on in her life, same goes for Dezey she moved out of Jessica's and I have no idea why, I can't mention it because if I say the wrong thing then everybody will get mad. For a while I really thought that Deezey and I were going to be close and now I haven't talked to or heard from her in weeks. I haven't talked to Mourn in forever either. Everytime I think I've found a good friend in my family something happens and it's like nope Erica just kidding. It wouldn't bug me so much if it weren't for the fact that for the most part my family is my friends, I don't have many other ones. I know that I get on people's nerves so I try not to I tried giving Amanda space and where that left me was needing a friend and my mom giving me the third degree. Amanda Dezey and Lashelle are all so important to me and I think they are so amazing I feel like it's my fault that I've lost them like if I were better they would still be here. That's always how I feel in everything, if I was: smarter, faster, funnier, thinner, cuter, nicer, worldlyer, just better then things would be different and maybe I would be happy. If I was a better friend than maybe Amanda, Dezey and Lashelle would actually tell me things and I would actually know them. Shouldn't I know these people if for no other reason than jsut because they are my family? How can a person with such a huge family be so alone?

AAAH

So I realized that I haven't posted anything that matters in a while so here goes.
You remember my post about camping and the go cart starting on fire and me crying well a couple of weeks ago I was at my grandma's and my little brother "D-rock" was riding my grandma's mower (obviously it was a riding mower) and then it ran out of gas and so we went into my mom and she told me to go fill it up with gas and I told her I wasn't going anywhere near that thing with gas and so she went and filled it up and came and told me to mow the front lawn so I slowly walked outside and to the mower I started it and rode it to the side of my grandma's house, then I went in teh house handed D-rock the keys and said you can do it then my mom said that he didn't have enough experience to do the front yard (he has mowed that back lawn twice while as I have done it once and that once I ran over a hose) so I take the keys and walk outside I sat on the lawnmower and started crying I was so scared then apparently my mom noticed that there wasn't sound coming from out front cause she comes and finds me tells me to get off and then she starts mowing the lawn later my brother calls and asks her what she's doing she says she's mowing the lawn cause Erica is to lazy to do it. I was crying because I was so scared and she thinks that I'm just being lazy. nobody actually realizes how terrified I was when that go cart started on fire. Then the other day I was at my house cleaning the back yard when the subject turned to bikinis now I am against bikinis in general but they were talking about my mom getting one which is disturbing on many levels a few of which I will tell you now besides the fact that I don't like bikinis in general thinking about my mother getting one is upsetting for no other reason than the fact that she's my mom! I think the thing that really made me mad that day though is this: my mom can wear a bikini and I can't she's had seven kids and yet me, who has been excersicing like crazy and not eating much (not that I'm trying to become anorexic or anything I just don't have any appetite lately) I have gained weight. I can't even be happy lately the only things that make me happy are reading and playing with/holding my neice (who I don't see very often) I haven't even written anything recently. The person that I text the most is my mom and that is because she tells me to clean stuff I haven't really texted anybody other than my mom for more than a week. I haven't seen or talked to my dad in months and missed my family reunion. I miss my step mom but can't go see her because I get fed up of everybody who is with her, I added one of my poems to a discussion and everybody in the discussion told me it was horrible. I just want to escape, get away from all this stupud crap (which also annoys me because Charity who dropped out gets to move to Texas) On top of all that I keep daydreaming about HSM4 and them having a contest, because they want to give young writers a chance, to write HSM4 (of course in my dream I win and honestly I don't think my idea is that bad but who knows I've been wrong about everything else I think) the weird thing is my ideas for HSM have been pretty close to what they end up doing (minus the me having something to do with it.) I want to end all of this junk and I don't know how to.