AAAH

So I realized that I haven't posted anything that matters in a while so here goes.
You remember my post about camping and the go cart starting on fire and me crying well a couple of weeks ago I was at my grandma's and my little brother "D-rock" was riding my grandma's mower (obviously it was a riding mower) and then it ran out of gas and so we went into my mom and she told me to go fill it up with gas and I told her I wasn't going anywhere near that thing with gas and so she went and filled it up and came and told me to mow the front lawn so I slowly walked outside and to the mower I started it and rode it to the side of my grandma's house, then I went in teh house handed D-rock the keys and said you can do it then my mom said that he didn't have enough experience to do the front yard (he has mowed that back lawn twice while as I have done it once and that once I ran over a hose) so I take the keys and walk outside I sat on the lawnmower and started crying I was so scared then apparently my mom noticed that there wasn't sound coming from out front cause she comes and finds me tells me to get off and then she starts mowing the lawn later my brother calls and asks her what she's doing she says she's mowing the lawn cause Erica is to lazy to do it. I was crying because I was so scared and she thinks that I'm just being lazy. nobody actually realizes how terrified I was when that go cart started on fire. Then the other day I was at my house cleaning the back yard when the subject turned to bikinis now I am against bikinis in general but they were talking about my mom getting one which is disturbing on many levels a few of which I will tell you now besides the fact that I don't like bikinis in general thinking about my mother getting one is upsetting for no other reason than the fact that she's my mom! I think the thing that really made me mad that day though is this: my mom can wear a bikini and I can't she's had seven kids and yet me, who has been excersicing like crazy and not eating much (not that I'm trying to become anorexic or anything I just don't have any appetite lately) I have gained weight. I can't even be happy lately the only things that make me happy are reading and playing with/holding my neice (who I don't see very often) I haven't even written anything recently. The person that I text the most is my mom and that is because she tells me to clean stuff I haven't really texted anybody other than my mom for more than a week. I haven't seen or talked to my dad in months and missed my family reunion. I miss my step mom but can't go see her because I get fed up of everybody who is with her, I added one of my poems to a discussion and everybody in the discussion told me it was horrible. I just want to escape, get away from all this stupud crap (which also annoys me because Charity who dropped out gets to move to Texas) On top of all that I keep daydreaming about HSM4 and them having a contest, because they want to give young writers a chance, to write HSM4 (of course in my dream I win and honestly I don't think my idea is that bad but who knows I've been wrong about everything else I think) the weird thing is my ideas for HSM have been pretty close to what they end up doing (minus the me having something to do with it.) I want to end all of this junk and I don't know how to.