Has it really been that long?

Since my last post here's what I've been up to: I graduated (yay!!!!!) I know that tons of people graduate every year but I worked my butt off to do it and I'm going to celebrate that. Honestly nothing could have prepared me for how weird it would feel sitting there with my class knowing that high school was over. I am slightly entertained though that my friends who said we would all stay in touch and be the people that were still friends at high school reunions have pretty much ignored me. I've talked to ONE of my close friends. The girl who said she was my best friend hasn't spoken to me since graduation. And no I haven't even tried talking to her, at this point I'm of the opinion that she can try for once. Also I think some people are less annoying in person, there are a couple of people I've texted a bit and some of them seem really snobby in texts or on facebook, it's weird. I went on a date....*Gasp*.....sorta....maybe....I think. Does it count if your not sure that the guy realized it was a date? and also if your with your sister? Trisha wanted to meet this guy (let's call him Kyle) because I've told her about him and she thought he sounded awesome. and I was all for her meeting Kyle because she started to think that she might like her ex again and I can't stand him. So anyways she wanted to go out with him but she didn't want to do it alone and being her she decided that we would double her with him and me with the guy I've liked for about a year now and who I swear is going to drive me insane. You have no idea how persistent my sister can be and eventually I gave in and texted Kyle asking him out for her (figuring if he said he couldn't I'd be off the hook) and by the way this was extremely awkward because I used to like Kyle...and he knows that I used to like him...but he's a sweetheart and said he'd go out with my sister, fast forward to a week later and Trisha has been bugging me to ask my guy (what name to use for him....let's go with Taylor) and finally she steals my phone and types the text and sends it. And he replies (if you have any idea how often he doesn't reply you'd be shocked too) and he asks when we would do it and then before we could reply he goes "I can't do it this weekend obviously" (it was a Saturday night and he had just gotten his wisdom teeth out) and then another one "how about next Saturday?" we ended up doing it the weekend between Christmas and New Years (yes this was just a couple of weeks ago, I graduated first) Trisha and I were picking the guys up and paying (partially because they didn't know where we were going and partially because that's what my mom told me you do when the girl asks. So first of all we misjudged the time it would take to get from Trisha's to Kyle's and left way to early and sat in the Target parking lot playing cards (because yes I carry a deck of cards in my purse) then we went and picked up Kyle and the three of us joked on the way to Taylor's (because yes Kyle knows I like Taylor) and then I went up the door and got him and...oh my gosh my face is going red just thinking about it, that's how embarrassed I was. We walk back to the truck and he get's in first and then he held out his hand to help me in but I was already halfway in and I wasn't paying attention. so we all talk and stuff as we're heading to the bowling alley (cause we were going bowling) and we get there and we start and it was super fun and it wasn't really awkward but I felt awkward if that makes sense. and all three of them had fun teasing me because yeah I'm easy to tease. and there were a bunch of different things I could tell you but I'm only going to tell you about two of them. First: it was some dude's birthday so they wished him a happy birthday over the speakers and then Taylor was threatening to go tell them it was my birthday (it wasn't, just so we're clear it wasn't my birthday) but I kinda just blushed and rolled my eyes because my older brothers threaten to do that all the time and so I went up and bowled and I came back to the table and all of a sudden I hear "We'd also like to wish a Happy Birthday to Erica." He had actually told them! and then the next time he went to bowl he looks at me and goes "this is for you birthday girl" what a weirdo right? Second: I was bowling and after my turn Taylor was standing there with his arms out and it was weird...eventually I realized he was waiting for me to hug him. yep oh and Trisha and Kyle had a lot of fun teasing me saying that he was showing off and crap like that. So eventually they kicked us out of the bowling alley and we took the boys home and I walked Taylor to his door and said bye and Trisha and Kyle both got mad at me for not hugging him goodnight. Yep That is about the extent of my boy experience and now Taylor is acting all weird. I don't get boys! Yep so those are the two main things that have happened since I last posted

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid!

Wow it's been a while. Everything just seems to be moving at high speed and apparently I keep blinking. My family reunion is soon, I'm excited yet at the same time I don't want it to happen. I guess thats how I feel about my whole life at this point: completely at odds with myself. my senior pictures are this week, I'm extremely scared for them but my cousin is going to come over and help me get ready. You know sometimes I have no idea why I post on here, nobody but me reads it. I think that somewhere in my head I have this idea that if I type it on my blog and I have all this anonymity then I fit somewhere because I don't fit enough in my real life. I know that it is completely ridiculous and everything. Oh yeah I forgot to tell you: I got chapter historian for the FFA it means I get to make the scrapbook. sometimes I just want to run from it all. Mom bought some swimming suits the other day, none of them fit. She said that we should start walking, all I wanted to tell her is that I do exercise and even though I haven't been eating (okay there I admitted it: even when I'm hungry I try not to eat) I'm just getting bigger! I am so sick of it, I know that I'm never gonna be as skinny as Amanda or Lashelle or Dezey but I don't want to be this way anymore. I just want to be done with it all.

thinking

So I know it's kind of early but I'm trying to make the transition from "high school thinking" to "college thinking." Also I've been thinking a lot about how our lives influence others. I think some people would be surprised at how they've shown up in my writing (or my blogging.) Did the boy sitting by me realize I didn't like him getting all the attention, do my family and friends realize how alone I feel. Is my FFA chapter aware that they are in my thoughts. And with all that: is somebody thinking about me. How many times a day are we in somebody elses thoughts when we don't even know about it. What about the times when you see or read about "somebody" how often is that somebody you? We constantly go through life interacting with people but we never really think about the effect those interactions can have on a life.
Think about this:
your 13 years old and your best friend just asked somebody out. How do you feel about it? Why? Who is your best friend, are you secretly crushing on them, or does it just leave you feeling like a twin abandoned you. Why do you feel about this. Keep going until you resolve the problem somehow.

Are things looking up?

So I've finally started on the infamous college search. I'm looking for a college in Colorado or Wyoming primarily but I'm not ruling out Nevada, Texas, and Washington (though my mom thinks I should)it is nerve wracking and I am really nervous. Also I am trying for a Provo FFA officer spot in the 2011-2012 year. I am so nervous about it that sometimes I can't breathe. I'm a YCL for girls camp and my mom has a boyfriend. He is a great guy and he really cares about my mom. I also would like to compete in the CDEs (Career Development Events) this year (for FFA) in Ag communications but I need a team of five people and so far I have.........me, so I need four people to commit to doing this with me. We tried having a birthday party for Mr. Day today and he took so long getting back from lunch that his class was banging on the door (we were told not to let anybody in and the door was locked.) and one girl just walked in (while we were letting a member in) and then got into a pissing contest with some of our girls. I emailed LaShelle today after not talking for weeks and I asked if she wanted to do a photoshoot with me for my senior pics. Obviously she hasn't replied. I went shooting for my dad's birthday this weekend and got to shoot a 22 with a lock open mechanism. Then I asked my brothers for a gun for my birthday (they told me no) I know that I could have a very long and hard road ahead of me but I am so willing to try. I just want to be happy and if it means working my but off then I will.

Who I am?

So my imaginary blog readers do you remember the movie Clueless, with Alicia Silverstone and how she has this big inner monologue moment where she finally realizes what she actually wants and stuff. I want one of those. I know that life isn't supposed to be easy and that I need to stop worrying so much and all that but it doesn't work that way. I feel like I'm always changing who I am to fit who I'm with that's why I like the name Chameleon: it fits. If I'm with people who swear then I don't tell them how much it bugs me, if I'm with people telling disgusting jokes I laugh even when I don't want to, if I'm with people who are, well more innocent then me, then I censor myself. When in reality: if you swear then all I want to do is slap you, if you tell gross jokes I want to ask what is wrong with you, while I'm pretending to be innocent I just want to be me. I think the real problem is I'm not sure who me is so I try to be like everybody else; Here is what I do know: I love my family, I feel left out all the time, I'm jealous of my sisters, I miss my dad, I miss LaShelle Dezey and Amanda, I want to show my writing, I might want to be a teacher, most of my stories start with me daydreaming about my life being different but I can't use my name so I make one up, how I feel is revealed a lot less in what I say then in what I don't say or what I write, I think I look ugly and stupid, my biggest worry about LaShelle doing my hair wasn't that she wouldn't do a good job it wasn't even my words that I kept remembering it was from a book but it summed up my fears pretty good "if you put a peacocks tale on a sparrow it's still a drab ugly nobody little sparrow", I'm jealous of the relationships that other people seem to have so effortlessly, I want to be liked, I don't think I am, and I'm scared. That is me and I want to just scream and tell people that I am who I am and to deal with it but I can't even deal so how can I ask others to?

childrens story 1 draft1

hatching eggs
Justin is just a normal boy until friday nights when his babysitter comes over and introduces him to a new world. Elllie is just a normal teenage girl unless she's babysitting then she gets to be a kid again. Two ordinary kids teach us all that anybody can take an ordinary night and make it magical
Justin Scott sat on the couch pouting, he didn't want his parents to leave. He had to stay home and have a babysitter his parents just laughed when they looked over at him./ A knock sounded on the door and Ellie was let in she was the new neighbor and when Mr and Mrs Scott had learned that she was a babysitter they decided to go out. Justin blamed her for his parents leaving. Justin didn't move once while Ellie talked to his parents./ After they left Ellie smiled at Justin but when he just sank deeper into the couch she knew that she would have to try something else./ walking over to the sliding door Ellie gasped, "Why didn't you tell me Justin?" Justin couldn't help himself he answered her "didn't tell you what?" "You have dragon eggs in the backyard!" Justin ran to the back door but didn't see anything/ Ellie opened the door and went outside, Justin followed her, she stopped at a collection of big rocks "These are huge. They're gonna hatch any day" /Justin frowned "what are you talking about, these are rocks" Ellie looked down at him "you don't see it? the smootheness of it the way that the you can almost feel it breathing." as Ellie kept describing what a dragon egg was like Justin started to see it too he could even feel it breathing then all of a sudden the egg started shaking/ "Whats happening Ellie." "I think the eggs are starting to hatch" Justin looked around "But where are their parents? What if they forgot them? Ellie whats gonna happen to them if their parents don't come home?" /Ellie got down in front of him "Don't worry Justin Dragons leave to go and get their babies food and things like that but they always come back, they love their babies and would never leave them forever. If the eggs hatch before the parents get back we could watch them." "Do you know how to watch baby dragons?" Ellie laughed "its a lot like babysitting. We can do it" /The eggs started shaking even more "Ellie I think they're hatching!" after he said it one of the eggs made a big cracking sound a little flat head popped out followed by a tall neck the other eggs hatched too but while the first had been blue one of these was green and one was red/ they all climbed out of the eggs showing round little tummys and extra long tales. Justin laughed at them, the dragons got up and started playing./ "look at them, they know that their parents will be back." justin did see/ he got up dragged Ellie with him and started playing with the dragons- they played dragon hide and seek,- dragon go fish---- in the middle of a game of dragon tag the three dragons cried out they had gotten their tales tangled up/ Ellie and Justin helped to untangle them and when they started to play again Ellie stopped Justin ran up and tagged her "your it Ellie. Whats wrong?" "what? Oh nothings wrong but look Justin" she pointed to the sky "I don't see anything"/ "you don't? You don't see anything flying towards the house." then Justin saw it two big things flying towards the house as they got closer he could see that they were two huge dragons. "their parents! they came back!"/ as the dragons landed and reunited with their children Ellie and Justin watched after they left Justin looked at his house and saw lights coming into the driveway. "Mom. Dad"/ Justin ran in the house and hugged his parents when they walked in./ Ellie got ready to leave and before she went she smiled at the big rocks in the backyard. /After she was gone Justin asked his parents "is she coming over again next week?" His mom laughed "we'll ask" Justin couldn't wait for their next adventure. It would be as fun as this one.

post

Hey I haven't posted in a while (I couldn't think of anything) so I found something first Anna had a baby second Abby is in town again this is the second time this year. She is taking Cinderella back with her cause Cinderella dropped out of school, I always feel like an outsider, like I just don't quite belong with this close fun happy loving family. I'll post more later, see ya